Oh, the reasons are so many. I find myself in a season of life I never thought I would experience. My trust in others and beliefs have been challenged, the rose-colored glasses were smacked off my face with a 2"x4", I am in some respects alone and fending for myself, and am forced into intense introspection, discovery, and transformation… this is my life, version 2.
I believe that when a man and a woman commit to marriage, that they are making an unbreakable covenant before God and before their family and friends. We stand in front of all of them and they witness our vows and they are supposed to support us in our marriage and call us out when we need correcting and strengthen us when we fall. But, in June of 2008, the woman I thought I married found herself not being the person she led me to believe she was. And she told me that, saying that I didn't love her, that I was in love with the "idea" of her. I still don't know what that means. Needless to say, my heart was torn to pieces and trampled on. My chest hurt, it felt like my insides were going to come out of my mouth, and I couldn't sleep anymore. There was definitely a lot of things that I needed to repair or remodel about myself, so I will never say I was innocent in helping her to feel the way she did. And it's painful to think that I took so much from her that the woman who used to profess her love for me was so empty and drained that she just couldn't even consider to try to reconcile. For months and months I dealt with the ache of an emotionally hemorrhaging heart and the unceasing reflection of what went wrong, how I could have changed it, and, if given the chance, how I would change it. I was assured, however, over and over again, that there was nothing I could do, that it was over. That, in itself, leaves anybody with a lot to process and requires some major life healing and reconstruction.
In 2007, my son, Jacob, was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome (AS), a developmental disability in the autism spectrum disorders. AS is also known as high-functioning autism. Jacob has sensory issues, narrow and obsessive interests, rigid expectations, and social awkwardness, but retains relatively typical language and cognitive development. As we began to research this disorder, there were many "a-HA" moments for me and I was self-diagnosed with AS. There have been and will continue to be so many life experiences where AS played a significant role. I am still learning how to live a life blessed with Asperger's as well as helping Jake navigate his life with it.
Through a time of bad counsel and imposed unrealistic expectations, I am jobless at a bad time in my life, with a poor national economy. I am seeking employment of just about any kind and also trying to pump life back into my own design business. This is a serious blow to any person made more difficult for me in not being able to financially support my kids.
In 2009 my kids' mother decided to go work for her dad in northern Colorado and apprised me that she would be taking the kids with her. There was no discussion about it. I am looking up at an overwhelming task of not just being a divorced dad, but also a dad from a distance.
With this background, my desire through this blog is to initiate some healing for myself, to educate and encourage others, and chronicle the growth and development of a man.