Being a “Version 2” Dad

Two days ago I was considering what I had been experiencing with Christmas with my kids. Christmas 2008 was awkward and heart-breaking as my ex and I tried to do Christmas together at “home” and it quickly became the story of how many ways I could be a self-righteous SOB to the ex. Christmas 2009 was spent alone and without money. It was horrible overall, despite my reaching out to the kids by reading the “Christmas story” from Luke to them.

This year, because I had a job, some money, and a car, I was able to plan ahead and get the kids for Christmas and New Year’s Eve. We’ve been spending the time in Utah (a halfway place between WA and WY, the circumstances of which shall be covered in a separate post) and I have been gleefully available for every hug and kiss and trying to be a part of every game. I haven’t seen my kids since July and have been staying in contact with them over the phone and, more recently, my daughter and I have been emailing.

Christmas gifting the kids since 2008 has been a different experience to me. For a while I had wanted to simplify and spend less on the kids. We live in a consumer society and I wanted Christmas to be special, a time of peace for the whole family, a time to reach out and “do for others” rather than having the focus on ourselves. But it takes two to make that tango work and I didn't have the support I needed to do it. So, we continued to spend several hundred dollars each Christmas. What really confirmed this feeling for me to spend less was the email my kids’ mother sent last year to me and my parents, telling us what she was getting the kids for Christmas and making available the option to help out with the cost if we wanted to. I was embarrassed to see the total cost outlined for each kid and that it was being made public for all to see how much my then-wife was spending. Everything just seemed wrong.

This year, I wish I could have done more than I have; the kids need and want shoes, Jake threw out his snow gloves because they don't fit anymore, etc.; but the gifting was more purposeful and I am comfortable admitting to anyone how much I spent were they to ask. We did traditional PJs and ornaments, Christmas morning breakfast, and then just spent time together enjoying each other. PEACE, LOVE, MEANING.

Now, assuming we spend the next years flip-flopping who gets the kids for Christmas, that leaves me with only 4 more Christmases with my babies until they are grown. To me it’s devastating because it makes me realize, again, just how much I am missing in a broken marriage. But it also helps narrow my vision to think ahead of time, to do things with purpose and meaning and to make these last 4 “kid” Christmases really special.

How I'm doing

Well, it's been quite a long time since I have blogged. Many things have happened. In June I was hired by a local credit union to work in their marketing department as a Marketing Project Lead. My initial reaction was, “Oh, crap! Now I need clothes.” Since it was around my birthday, I used birthday money to buy some pants and shirts. I feel very comfortable working in this position. It's more or less where I would have been if I had kept working and not run my own business. My boss is great. I work with talented people. And I get paid and have benefits.

iPad Help for Kids with Autism

I ran across this article in my RSS feeds this morning. Interesting read.

From Autism Speaks Blog - “I Am Michael”

This post appeared on the Autism Speaks Official Blog today. Very important reading.

This weekend, we received the following e-mail (and accompanying poem) from Gary Herrmann, a member of our community who is the father of a nine-year-old named Michael, who has Asperger Syndrome.

Like a lot of kids with Asperger Syndrome, my son has difficulty in social settings. He has one good friend. At the time he wrote this poem, both families had been very busy for a couple months, and he hadn’t been able to see his friend Billy very often. That, combined with some of the difficulties he had been experiencing in school lately, probably contributed to the feelings he expresses in the poem below.

The assignment was to type the poem. He was given some direction as to how each line should begin and word to use in each.

I was overwhelmed by the poignancy expressed in his poem. As you will see, my son’s name is Michael, and he has a heart the size of our planet … Maybe my son’s poem will strike a chord with parents and families and remind them that even if they have difficulty expressing them, our children experience all of the same emotions we do.

I        am    Michael.

I     wonder    if    I   am   human?

I   hear  ringing    all  the    time.

I   see    molecules ……I   think.

I    want    more   friends .

I   am    lonely.

I   pretend      I   have    more       friends  .

I feel       left  out.

I  have   the   record   of        the             least     friends    in    the     school .

I     worry    if  I   have   no   purpose.

I say  jokes  to   be   funny.

I  hope   people   now   understand.

I   am  Michael.

Sensory Sensitivity and How It Can Push an Aspie to the Limit.

In my last post, I talked a little about the affect sensory sensitivity can have on someone, myself, with Asperger’s Syndrome. This is very common to anyone with an autism spectrum disorder, and it can manifest itself in differing ways and intensity. Noise, light, fabric, food texture, smell… this can be so overwhelming to someone with an ASD that they may feel the need to remove their skin, end their day, close their eyes tight… something to overcome and/or deal with their overload.

This sensory sensitivities affect me in many different ways. For instance, sound is not a major issue for me except as it becomes a distraction. I have a sound machine that I use to go to sleep with sometimes. The water sounds (beach, rain, river) are very soothing to me and I have found to many other Aspies as well. However, specifically on a sound machine, which uses a looped soundbite to perpetuate the illusion of a continuously active and live experience, I find myself too occupied searching for and recognizing the loop. This backfires as a way to get to sleep because it keeps my mind too active to relax. Light is also not a big issue for me, typically, as long as I am wearing sunglasses. What I'd like to talk specifically about, so it is possible for the reader to better grasp how sensory sensitivity can affect an Aspie, is an issue which took place long ago with me regarding smell and touch.

Autism & Sports

We are all exceedingly aware of the benefits of exercise, team play, and accomplishment. For many parents, getting their sons and daughters involved in sports like soccer, basketball, or baseball is a given. This is an environment where our kids can grow physically and mentally stronger, learn good sportsmanship, stay healthy, learn what it means to work as a team, acquire additional social skills, and experience the thrill of achievement as well as how to yield graciously.

But for children with autism, these arenas can be more frustrating than anything. The sources of irritation include a unique sense of justice, underdeveloped gross motor skills, distractions, social awkwardness, and a perfectionist attitude. I will discuss each of these irritations and then suggest some options better suited to a child with autism.